Empty Nest Feelings...
Don't let your children derail your retirement plans...
How to Cope With an Empty Nest in Retirement
Try these strategies to beat the empty nest blues.
By Tom Sightings, Contributor May 9, 2019
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IT’S A BITTERSWEET
experience when your last child leaves home to go to college or get married. You may feel a certain sorrow, but also some relief and excitement. You are finally free of the responsibility and worry of having children in the house and of the mess that usually goes with them. And yet you can’t help but feel a little sad. Your job as a parent is over. It all went by so fast. How are the kids going to survive without you? And what are you going to do with all your extra free time?
Here's how to cope with loneliness after your children leave home:
- Plan ahead.
- Don’t project your anxiety on your kids.
- Reach out to others.
- Reconnect with your spouse.
- Find a new role.
- Look for ways to keep up with the kids.
Try these strategies to deal with the conflicting emotions that can fly into an empty nest.
Plan Ahead
It’s no surprise that eventually your kids are going to leave home, so there’s no reason you can’t prepare for the occasion. Try anticipating what your kids will need from you after they are gone. Also, think about how your own life may change. Anticipating a child's departure helps you accept the fact that one stage of life is over and another is about to begin. However, emotions may run high at this point, so don’t make any life-altering decisions the minute your child moves out, such as selling the house or quitting your job.[
Don’t Project Your Anxiety On Your Kids
Talk to your kids about your feelings, and acknowledge that embarking on any new adventure involves leaving some things behind. Your child may be a little nervous about the big move as well, so he or she doesn’t need to hear about your fears and worries. Remember, the kids are leaving home, but they are not exiting your life. There's no need to panic.
Reach Out to Others
It usually helps to share your outlook and experience with a friend or relative who has gone through a similar transition. Find out how they dealt with their nerves and insecurities and the empty place in their heart. You might get some practical advice. If nothing else, sharing your anxieties could help to alleviate some of the burden.
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Reconnect With Your Spouse
Dads and Moms may both experience empty nest syndrome, but sometimes Dads have a harder time admitting it. It’s important to share your feelings with your spouse. Maybe this is the time to rekindle common interests that have been forgotten or to revive intimate connections that may have been neglected during your child's teenage years. If you’re a single parent, an empty nest might provide the catalyst to re-imagine your love life and begin dating again. Either way, take advantage of your freedom to travel or go to romantic restaurants. And enjoy the extra time you now have since you’re doing less laundry and housework and aren’t obligated to attend high school sports events.
Find a New Role
Taking on a new challenge can help ease the sense of loss that may come with your child's departure. You might want to seek out a new assignment at work, look for a job if you haven’t been working or find a volunteer opportunity in the community. Perhaps you can reignite an interest in a hobby that went by the wayside after you had a family, whether it’s painting, cooking, skiing or fishing. Some people even go back to school, either to finish a degree or develop a new skill.
Look for Ways to Keep Up With the Kids
As your kids become adults, they need to start making their own way in life. They may not want to talk on the phone each day and spend every holiday at home. And yet an adult child may want to share a particular experience or ask your advice about something. You need to find ways to stay in touch, without judging or being so intrusive that they end up cutting you off. You can stay friends on Facebook, arrange video chats and schedule occasional visits. You can bring them news from home, share your new interests, send care packages, plan vacations and nurture a strong family connection, even as they go out to make their mark on the world.
Tom Sightings is the author of “You Only Retire Once” and blogs at Sightings at 60.
Tom Sightings, Contributor
Tom Sightings has been writing for U.S. News & World Report since 2013, covering personal ... READ MORE
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THE MOST IMPORTANT AGES FOR RETIREMENT
How to Cope With an Empty Nest...
How to Keep Your Grown Children Sometimes from
Endangering You
and YOUR-Retirement.
Parents just Need To Say No To Their
Grown Children.
By Rodney Brooks, Contributor April 27, 2018
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(PEOPLEIMAGES/GETTY IMAGES)
Don't let your children derail your retirement plans...
YOUR RETIREMENT finances can be a lot more fragile than you might think. A budget can be disrupted by many things, and some parents have a hard time dealing with one expense in particular:
They can't say no to their grown children.
Helping your children isn't necessarily a problem if you have the financial resources to do so.
But some parents continue to bail out their children,
even if it puts their retirement savings and lifestyle in jeopardy.
"Unfortunately, adult children are one of the most dangerous [threats] to a successful financial plan,"
says Cary Guffey, a certified financial planner at PNC Investments in Birmingham, Alabama.
Many Americans have not saved enough for a comfortable retirement.
For example, a survey by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that the majority of Americans
have saved less than $100,000 for retirement
and about a quarter have saved less than $1,000.
"Unfortunately, far too many people will be living almost exclusively on Social Security
or working longer than they anticipated because Social Security payments will not be enough
to make ends meet," says Lynnette Khalfani-Cox, a personal finance coach and author.
"The problem is compounded not only because people are failing to save,
but a lot are helping their kids and grandkids."
Baby boomers with financially independent adult children
who don't support anyone else are twice as likely to be retired,
according a survey of 5,500 U.S. households by the market research firm Hearts &
Wallets. Only 21 percent of boomers who support adult children
are fully retired, compared to 50 percent of boomers
who don't support children
or other extended family members.
Boomers who support adult children
are also more likely to report financial anxiety.
For parents in a never-ending cycle
or grandchildren,
here's how to avoid shouldering that burden.
Just say no. You don't have to provide assistance to your adult children
every time they ask for it.
"The first and hardest lesson
and the obvious thing is you have to learn to say no,
" Khalfani-Cox says. "At the very least, if you cannot say no,
establish the proper financial boundaries."
There's nothing wrong with parents wanting to sacrifice for their children, but when they continue
that mindset after the kids reach 25, 35 or even 45,
it can impose a significant burden on your ability to retire.
You are "enabling your adult children
to turn to you as a financial plan B
or backup plan.
That's a huge problem,"
Khalfani-Cox says.
Too much financial support could even be preventing your grown children from becoming self-sufficient.
"Often there has been a pattern of financial entitlement,
where adult children or grandchildren
have not learned to live responsibly
and stand on their own two feet,"
Khalfani-Cox says.
"The parent is helping and enabling
just as much as the kid is asking."
Make a legal agreement.
Elijah Kovar, co-founder of Great Waters Financial in Richfield, Minnesota, had a client who wanted to buy a home for her son because his credit history prevented him from renting an apartment.
"I told her if you do this, you are taking a risk and it has to be one that will not ruin your relationship with your son if he defaults and you have to kick him out,"
Kovar says. "His credit shows he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain."
Kovar says people might be less likely to repay family members
than they are a bank. One option is to act like a bank and have a lawyer draw up official paperwork.
You can put dates when payments are due in the contract.
Consider the gift tax exclusion.
Up to $15,000 can be given away in 2018
that's free from any federal gift tax consequences.
But don't pass along that much cash if you think your child will squander it.
"Just because it's there doesn't mean you have to use it,"
Guffey says.
"Don't deny your children their scars.
They need to fall down and scrape their knee."
but how you give the money can make a difference.
"We don't want our children or grandchildren to be dependent,"
Guffey says.
"It's using that gift as a tool for education rather than bailing them out."
Make your financial advisor the bad guy.
Many planners and advisors say they don't mind if their clients lay the blame on them.
Kovar says he's had serious conversations with clients to warn them that continuing to give their children money will jeopardize their financial future.
"One client's son has mooched off her for years,"
Kovar says. "I told her to tell her son that
your financial advisor says you can't do that anymore,
or you will run out of money.
Using your financial advisor is a good out."
Before you lend to your child's new business, get a second opinion. Some children ask for money from parents to help start a business. "You want to help your children and see them grow and develop, but most of us get into facts as our children tell them. It's a half-baked vetting process," says Jeff Speight, a certified financial planner and wealth advisor at Tanglewood Total Wealth Management in Houston. "If you give money to your child, you have to assume you are not going to get it back."
Get an opinion from someone not involved in the business. If you still want to loan your child money, set expectations. Agree to a certain dollar amount and set a sunset provision. "The child knows its [repayable in] 18 months, and when it's over you might consider an extension, but you've got to have guardrails," Speight says.
You don't want a $20,000 investment to turn into $30,000 and then more. "You can end up bleeding the [retirement] account dry," Speight says. Don't give tens of thousands of dollars to your children when you barely have enough money to get to retirement.
"When people are on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you that, in the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first, then help the person next to you.
The idea is if you pass out or are physically incapable of breathing or staying alert, you will not be any good to anybody else," Khalfani-Cox says. "The same is true of retirement. If you don't properly plan for your post-working years, you will not be good to anybody else. If you deplete your resources, who will help you?"
Rodney Brooks, Contributor
Rodney Brooks writes and speaks about retirement and personal finance issues. His column ... READ MORE
